Why Attachment Matters
During the most formative years of life (0-5), perhaps one of the most important and necessary functions that caregivers provide is in developing a safe attachment to their children. While one could argue that attachment begins in-utero, the true attachment cycle begins at birth and follows a very simple, and yet very profound, routine: the child cries, the caregiver provides. When an infant cries they may need food, a clean diaper, warmth, or simply to be held (sometimes all four!), and the caregiver's primary responsibility is to provide those needs for the child. This cycle repeats thousands and thousands of times during the first year of the child's life and creates the foundation of attachment as we know it. While the attachment cycle continues for years after that, it is primarily formed in these early years of life and determines our very own attachment style which we carry on throughout our adolescent and adult years as we "attach" to other adults, friends, family members, and even our own children later on. The beauty of attachment is that it applies to all people, of all ages; that is to say that every one of us has an attachment style, but many are unaware of what it might be.
Attachment styles are best understood through the use of a grid, much like our high school algebra classes where we learned to plot points on a graph, our attachment styles can land in any of the four quadrants described below. Oftentimes our particular style can land somewhere in one quadrant closely neighboring another. Here are the four types of attachment as we know them:
Secure: Individuals with a secure attachment had caregivers who consistently and warmly responded when they cried or were upset. In response, the infant felt safe, knowing their needs would be met. These individuals grow to have a healthy sense of identity and feel secure being alone, or with others. They can develop healthy relationships and friendships and also feel safe being alone.
Avoidant: Individuals with an avoidant attachment had caregivers who responded when their infant was upset but were not warm or kind or caring when they did so. In response, the infant learned not to cry or express their needs, for fear of their caregiver's responses. These individuals grow to distrust others, and thus feel safer or more secure by themselves, and may struggle in relationships as their distrust creates a roadblock to a meaningful connection.
Ambivalent: Individuals with an ambivalent attachment had caregivers who were inconsistent to meet the infants crying needs, sometimes they responded, sometimes they did not. In response, the infant learned to cry to gain the attention of their caregiver and then would continue to cry when their caregiver arrived, for fear they might not return. These infants were hard to soothe and calm because of this fear response. These individuals seek connection anywhere they can find it, often fearing to be alone, and attaching quickly to those around them. They may dive into relationships too quickly and can be clingy or struggle to release the fear of being alone or abandoned.
Fearful/Disorganized: Individuals with a fearful or disorganized attachment had caregivers who were unsafe, frightening, or even traumatic. The child developed no clear strategy for getting their needs met due to this trauma. These individuals lack a true strategy for connection, fearing being alone while also distrusting others.
The truth of attachment is that many of us inherit the same attachment style as our caregivers, the avoidant caregiver has learned not to trust people, the ambivalent caregiver is so busy meeting their own needs they may not consistently meet their child, and so on. But there is always hope! For many of us who do not have a secure attachment style, we can work our way to an Earned Secure attachment style. Counseling is the perfect place to understand attachment, to explore our own childhood experiences, and to create meaningful and lasting change in how we connect with and attach to others.
