The Winding Path of Grief

In April of 1956 C.S. Lewis, arguably the greatest theologian of the 20th century, engaged in something he himself had determined would not be a part of his life…he was married. What started as a marriage that would allow a beloved friend continued citizenship in the U.K. would eventually become love, and love would eventually become grief. Only months after the initial marriage to Lewis, Joy Davidman would be diagnosed with metastasized breast cancer, and in March of 1957, Davidman and Lewis would marry again, this time at her hospital bedside in a marriage that was as true and honest as any before it. The two enjoyed a few years of marriage, love, connection, and even hope as Joy’s cancer would go into remission a short time after the bedside wedding. But in the summer of 1960 Joy Davidman lost her battle to cancer, and C.S. Lewis lost the woman he had fallen in love with. The great 20th century Christian thinker captured his thoughts, pains, and emotions which would later be published under the title, A Grief Observed. Within this collection of thoughts Lewis would describe his varying thoughts, his emotional state and how it moved frequently, how he understood that which he previously did not truly understand, his wrestling with faith and his thoughts on God. Within it he described this of grief,

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs.

Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will

the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my

loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”

You may have heard it said, that there are five stages to grief. They are decidedly Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. As Lewis so beautifully, or perhaps more appropriately put, painfully, described, grief is not a a place which stands still, but rather it moves from phase to phase. In examining grief we must accept this truth along with a few others. Firstly, as Lewis acknowledged, grief does not stand still. Instead it moves seemingly with a will of it’s own from stage to stage, often moving forward and then backward, revisiting the stages one after another until it has reached it’s evident end. Secondly, grief does not move through the aforementioned stages in order, but rather it carelessly weaves itself from stage to stage. Grief may move forward, backward, sideways and all ways. Sometimes individual stages become a sticking place, while others move more fluidly. Thirdly, grief is not considerate of our thoughts, our emotions, how tired we are or of what we need. It does not ask our opinion or offer a road map through it’s winding roads, nor does it offer an ETA to it’s conclusion. Grief, it would seem, is disorienting. I believe that understanding the stages of grief and how we as humans grieve can help us to recognize the very symptoms of grief in our lives. When we are able to see grief more accurately, we may be able in turn to reach acceptance and to move through grief. So let us on that note begin with denial.

Denial

Despite the stages of grief not often moving in the convenient straight forward direction, denial does tend to be the first stage of grief more often than not. Denial is, in a sense, our first line of defense. Denial protects me initially from accepting the loss presented before me, defends me from having to feel pain, and prevents me from hurting. Denial might swing around later in the grief process as I struggle to accept the reality that I have lost someone or something. Denial is pitted as the first stage of grief because it stands in the most direct opposition to the final stage which is acceptance. Denial may also be a sticking point for many in grief, for as long as I deny my grief and my reality, I may not move forward in any fashion.

Anger

Anger, as its very name suggests, is as much an emotion as it is a stage of grief. We are all of us far too familiar with anger as an emotion, but as a destination, a place in which we can become stuck, we may not recognize its signs. Anger may be indiscriminate, pointed in any and every direction which might threaten us. Anger can be directed at God for allowing such loss and pain, at our loved ones for not being more involved, or even at ourselves for what role we might have played. Anger, it would seem, is in a natural response, but perhaps one which expresses emotion and does not assist with direction.

Bargaining

Bargaining is, in my experience, the most misunderstood stage of grief. One might envision a Hollywood move scene during which the protagonist experiencing loss falls to their knees and cries out, “Why God why?! Would you take me instead?!” The truth about this stage, however, is more indirect. In bargaining we seek to gain control of our circumstances of which we feel we have no control. Bargaining might look like blaming myself when in reality I had no control over this loss. It may look like a series of questions or doubts, “If only I had done _______ maybe this would have been different?” It may look like blaming, because blaming grants me some semblance of control. Whatever form it takes, it inevitably is a form of grasping at control in a situation of hurt when we have no control.

Depression

Depression might best be described as a place of hopelessness. Hope is such a centrally important part of human existence, that to remove hope leaves us tired, drained, lacking motivation, without the ability to interact or engage, and even losing the energy or effort required to care for ourselves. In grief these emotions or thoughts may be all too common place. Depression may be a place we can become stuck, much like tracking through thick mud. Depression can lay hold of us and prevent our movement forward to the final stage, and it may be the stage we most need the assistance, love, care and compassion of others most.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the place in grief which we ought to strive to move towards and enter into. While we cannot rush through the stages of grief, acceptance is our end goal. Acceptance is, as its name implies, accepting my reality. Acceptance is not saying that what I have grieved is ok or acceptable, but rather accepting the reality that I have lost, that I have hurt, and that I will move forward. Acceptance is the final stage of grief because in it I begin to live my life once again with contentment and recognize that while hurting, I can continue to move and live and thrive.

Grief is in fact a winding path, one which moves us every which way, bouncing between the stages at times and feeling stuck at other times. Grief can feel disorienting and endless in some seasons, but recognizing the ways in which we grieve can also assist us in moving forward to the place of acceptance. C.S. Lewis wrote of grief and sorrow in the book mentioned above, “I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, it turns out to be not a state but a process.” May we be good stewards of this process, both in ourselves and how we love others who walk through it.